Renowned Venture-Capitalist Marc Andreesen once said “software is eating the world”, and he’s right, but so are Franken-Franchises and Franken-Narratives.

As is customary here at NARRATIVE COLLAPSE, on a weekly basis we descend into the NARRATIVE LAB, where budding EXECUTIVE-CLASS DR. MOREAU’S of all stripe, asset-strip, vivsect, and then resurrect the PIECES of all your favorite narratives into gleaming new HYBRIDS…

Remember last week when I reported on FOUR DIFFERENT ROBIN HOOD’S IN DEVELOPMENT…Guess what, now there’s FIVE. But this one’s for TV…

…Remember TV, the creative OASIS where all the good adult drama had gone to survive and prosper? Sure you do. And prosper it has, fending off FRANCHISES left and right: Just ask BLOODLINE on NETFLIX, which had about 1/10 of the ratings that DAREDEVIL DID. Like I said last week: LONG-FORM DRAMA IS OVER ON TV, it’s just having a few final death spasms. But moving on…

Remember, SPIDER-MAN. He’s been gone for so long, you might not…But have NO FEAR. Not only is SONY thinking of casting ASA BUTTERFIELD in ANOTHER REBOOT (which is likely to ignore the entire ANDREW GARFIELD SERIES), but you’re also going to get a completely UNCONNECTED ANIMATED SPIDERMAN, from the brain-trust behind “The Lego Movie”, which somehow in a fascinating narrative knight’s move, managed to be about both BASHING CAPITAL and making you GO OUT AND BUY LEGO’s.

But to prove that HOLLYWOOD has a longer memory than I sometimes give it credit for, VINCE GILLIGAN of BREAKING BAD FAME, is going to offer us what we’ve all been HOWLING FOR: A REVISIONIST REMAKE OF JACK AND THE BEANSTALK…Because when you think WALTER WHITE and SAUL GOODMAN…You also think someone should give this guy a FAIRYTALE…

Remember “The Six Million Dollar Man” TV SHOW…sure you do, it introduced the world to LEE MAJORS. You don’t? That’s okay too, because he’s now “THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN”…back from the dead and adjusted for INFLATION.

Nicolas Roeg’s “Don’t Look Now” is an acknowledged classic, finally earning a rightful spot in the vaunted CRITERION COLLECTION

…And they’re going to FRANKEN-REBOOT that one too.

“Don’t Look Now” is a MASTERPIECE, and unless Hollywood goes the route of DUCHAMP’S URINAL on this one and decides to spoof itself, I can only hope it dies on the table, like so many NARRATIVE EXPERIMENTS. In fact, the news of “Don’t Look Now” being touched rightly drove THE DISSOLVE INTO A FULL-ON APOPLEXY

And a side note, Don’t Look Now, is being RE-IMAGINED by the duo in charge of the “ESCAPE FROM NY” REMAKE as well. Clearly, ANDREW RONA and ALEX HEINEMAN are NECROPHILES PAR EXCELLENCE.

Oh…and that movie where BARBARA HERSHEY gets raped by a ghost (a lot), you’re getting A REMAKE OF THAT TOO

I THINK NETFLIX, REALLY, REALLY, DOESN’T WANT HAVE TO PLACE ADS…because they’re POTENTIALLY getting back into the MARVEL BUSINESS, and POTENTIALLY with RYAN PHILLIPE (who in an ironic twist, frequently sounds like FRANKEN-JOHN MALKOVICH). But don’t they REALIZE, the more EXPENSIVE these SHOWS GET, the more likely they are to have to place ADS to pay for their ORIGINAL PROGRAMMING?…

And finally, just to make your head spin, DISNEY announced it’s projected SLATE up to 2017, at the LasVegas CinemaCon convention, and here’s the breakdown reprinted in FULL (here’s a hint, FRANKEN-FRANCHIES and overall CORPORATE FRANKEN-FUSION (a NEW ONE) rule the day):

Nine sequels are in development, including: Avengers 2, Alice in the Looking Glass, Finding Dory, GotG 2, Toy Story 4, Pirates of the Caribbean, Captain America 3, Star Wars Episode VII and Star Wars: Episode VIII)

  • Four book adaptations: The Finest Hours, BFG, Ghost in the Shell, Doctor Strange.
  • Three remakes: The Jungle Book, Pete’s Dragon and Beauty and the Beast.
  • One film inspired by real events: Bridge of Spies.
  • One spinoff film: Star Wars: Rogue One.
  • Two movies inspired by a Disneyland/Disney World ride or experience: Pirates of the Caribbean 5 and Tomorrowland.
  • Four original films: Moana, Inside Out, Zootopia, and The Good Dinosaur.


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